either fucking kiss her or kick her ass to the curb. Either way I can hear everything you are saying
Apparently when he woke up I was tripping my face off. Everytime the cat meowed I would meow back. This went on for several hours.
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
Who is he, asking me if im dtf without a question mark
...
So I was about the only one NOT pregaming or stoned at my aunt's funeral... Maybe thats why I'm the black sheep.
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
Oh shit I just realized the ropes are still tied to the bedposts
Yess he was literally so drunk that like at one point I'm pretty sure he thought it was hard and in when neither were true :/ haha
5 minutes Isn't even long enough to bring me even close to an orgasm. How selfish. Think about baseball and fuck me you idiot.
I never realized how you can accidentally go home with someone until tequila got involved.
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
