My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
you did pass out in the elevator last night, so it could be motion sickness
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
i dont understand why you dont get why i love him. i opened the bathroom door and he had his penis in his right hand and a mcdouble in his left.
When we do our power hour over Skype I'm just going to sit on the toilet so that way I won't have to get up in the middle of it and miss any shots
A conundrum I think only you would understand: how to classily post "I need a ride to the liquor store" on one's Facebook wall?
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
We cuddled after till the morning. Then he woke up sober... and straight.
But for real though. That weed tastes like the jolly laughter of Santa Claus.
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
RUDE you're the one missing half a nipple...
IT HEALED AND GREW BACK TO BE A FULL HEALTHY NIPPLE OKAY
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
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