Do you not remember dry humping your dog for 20 minutes at oxfest dude?
I hope no one judges me for becoming a facebook fan of "Adderall" at 5:49 AM...
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
His foreplay reminded me too much of breastfeeding.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
As long as you're naked and covered in glow paint, I'm there.
The guy I met last night said we had a real connection and gave me his AA coin because he met me during his relapse
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It's 6 am, I'm drunk, and celebrating the end of finals.Go ahead and ask me where I am...if you guessed a McDonald's playpen then you are correct. Badabababa I'm loving it
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
She dresses like Bruce Banner and fucks like the Hulk. She is all of my lesbian fantasies come true.
See if shell let you call her dr banner in bed
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
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