she looks like luggage that fell from a plane
Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
i need to know the scientific term for a guy's taint so i can explain what i did last night.
I legitimately sent him a storybook of naked pictures.
As much as I'm all for laying on his living room couch, watching spongebob and having spoon sex, it's becoming a routine.
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
I think I found out what we're going be for Halloween....Alcohol poisoning victims.
I got woken up by a construction worker, turns out I was laying in a hallway, naked and wrapped in a matress pad. To answer your question no, I did not study for this test I got David Hasselhoff drunk
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
Yeah we fucked. I ran into her the next day, I had to pick up the girl scout cookies I ordered from her boyfriends kids.
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
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