I went to blockbuster, where I always go when I need to soul searching
Despondent, hopeless, I decide on vantage point, because I vaguely resemble matthew fox (let me believe this, please)
It was cheaper to buy then rent, so now I'm stuck w/ a wretched hangover and I own this shit movie
Things overheard in WeHo: "Just drink a corona and eat some ass, you won't be hungry anymore"
I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
Is it standard protocol to defriend someone after they give you chlamydia?
I just past a guy who was biking and double fisting wit glass beer bottles. That is what i call talent
I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
Its really awkward pooping while on videochat. Even if you turn the video off.
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