Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
I just know... :) goodntight
Whoops, meant "goodnight", but the other is true too.
i thought he was 22...he said he was 25..he was 19...im 26..it doesnt count if you dont know right?
In hindsight, i should have predicted that a drink called the 'rocky mountain bear fucker' would not end in a pleasant experience
My Vagina smells like Nemo again.
maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
my self respect just called, its having a good time without me
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
Randomize
