I can only date guys with blackberrys
I just decided its a new prereq to talk to me
I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
Vanessa Carlton's songs would be so much better if she was pretty
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
Yes. I am getting trashed on an open tab while judging a karoke competition
Impressive. I approve.
we can fight about whose fault it is later....naked.
Man...I want to get monumentally fucked tonight.
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
So I had sex with a hook nosed, lisping masadonian last night.
Glad that degree in literature is paying off. Nice adjectives. Maybe set the bar a little higher though?
Actually, lets be honest. I will probably keep calling him the pastor because it brings me joy using pastor and fuck buddy in the same sentence.
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
oh you can't commit, don't have any real ambitions, and love to drink PBR? well.... sign me up!
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