all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
Do you think the guy at the front desk was watching us last night? Although we were in a public pool, therefore our tits were free game.
Being the adderall dealer on campus, I feel responsible for everyone graduating.
Seriously. We gorilla glued our hands together. Eating pizza last night was impossible.
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
Well I guess I'll go shower now and wash all the stripper off.
im pretty sure the interns at this hospital have gotten hotter
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
I'll have sex with you for tacos. I don't care, man.
scotch tastings during the week is a baaad idea. i woke up w no pants but wearing my winter coat
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
Randomize
