U know u have sex too much when u have lube in ur rolliball on ur blackberry
just found the land before time on youtube... I'm so fucked for finals
she named each of the players on the last ten madden covers in order and then shotgunned 2 beers...if she doesnt have a penis im in love
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
I may not have eyeballs after all the drunk naked people having sex outside.
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
Or I could hide in your trunk so you can sneak out of putt putt for sex breaks
I was picked up from his hotel room at 5 a.m. and came home with my panties and jäger in a McDonald's bag so the desk attendant wouldn't judge me. This is what single at 25 is about.
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that it may incriminate me
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
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