his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
I think I'm going to make a pina klonopin before class.
apparently i walked around all last night forcing people to beer bong whatever drink was in their hand. so far this morning ive had three people refer to me as beer bong man
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
CONGRATULATIONS! You have won: pictures of my nipples!
It sounds like drunken magic sprinkled w narcotics
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
Besides the one of you shaking your cock for 10sec that was one of the best snapchat's ever haha
my paper on vitamins just turned into a 2 hour tangent google search on what i should buy to best cure a hangover. I need to stop getting high before homework
I forgot her safe word. It was a rough night.
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
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