The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
debating whether or not to save the package from my first plan b pill. it would be a nice addition to any baby book.
THERE IS THE SEXIEST BEARDED MAN HERE. I CAME EVERYWHERE.
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
Being thankful with your family is one thing. Being thankful with your friends while getting drunk and smoking bowls while eating leftovers, priceless.
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
I've already reverted to sweat pants. And lonely drinking.
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
When I walked out of the bathroom and you were literally dancing, you looked at me and said 'this is how I dance'. And then continued.
The shrooms were awesome. Everyone's bones in their face looked so beautiful! Everyone had great face structures.
My dad is clearly baked off his ass. He almost sat on moms cat in front of her, zoned out while staring at it and said he wondered what it was thinking about. Now he's dragging everything from the livingroom into the garage. Moms not happy.
She woke up, peed in the sink and then passed out again, it's only 2 in the afternoon
Randomize
