Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
the only reason you beat me in fntsy this week is bc you wouldnt bail me outa jail in time to set my roster you dick
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
He said bow chicka bow wow. I never thought being sexually degraded would be such a turn on.
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
And, through a series of unfortunate events, I am at my grandmothers birthday party in a short dress and no underwear
Dance move was taxi-ing on the runway then taking off in a plane. All the boys wanted to beat you up cause they were like "who is this angel flapping her arms like a bird in the bar i must have her"
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
it's taken me 3 hours to eat this pudding cup. I think I am melting.
Also I owe you 20 bucks, a clean towel and a glass of scotch. I'll even throw in a blow job
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
He just felt my tits to find out which piercing I lost.
Do not take the D yet, he needs to be worth it. Your Vagina is GOLD.
Randomize
