my room smells like sperm. sweet.
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
i cant wait for all this BS that is happening with Tiger to happen to Tebow
there were like 150 questions AFTER the application. you'd think for a store that has dick molding kits it'd be a joke
I'm genuinely dissapointed that we didn't make any fat chicks cry
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
I'm so disappointed in myself I can actually taste it.
Does it taste like semen?
She's using our floating beer pong table as an air mattress to sleep on.
Alright, deal. Settling two drug deals before noon is what I call a productive day. I'm not even gonna go to math, I've practiced enough numbers for the day.
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
You kissed my hand and then put a Taco in it. Why WOUDNT I leave my husband?
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
Theres just something about today that says lets get drunk, dont you think?
Despite evidence suggesting otherwise, it turns out max is 100%straight.
Randomize
