I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
Between the two of us weve fucked every guy at this table
There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
I love drunk self when he leaves a prepacked bong for the morning... in the bathroom.
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
I just undressed him with my eyes. And gave him a 10 inch penis. I hope its true.
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
he called her and asked for me. he wants to do dinner and a movie
her booty call wants to take you to dinner?
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
Randomize
