The pink midgets playing hockey is the EXACT reason cold meds and alcohol do not mix. Period.
He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
You know you love balls. Don't act all "I-Don't-Love-Balls-ish"
It's not true, it's not true! She's too full of cheese to have sexy time!
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
I think mounting someone proves who's house this is
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
He really only has clothes, like 4 boogie boards, and a bong here.
I had a spiritual reading tonight and my dead grandmother called me a whore.
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
Randomize
