my new favorite insult= "thundercunt"
We were tigers and tigers don't wear pants
you dont have to exercise, you threw up last night!
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
And to think..we used to do everything sober...
I hope so. I just start to question my lifestyle when i pee on coffee tables
Correct me if I'm wrong here... but did we serenade each others breasts to "winds of change" last night?
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
i showed up sober to class for the first time. my prof said that i was "off my game today". i love philosophy
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
Running my fingers through my hair is like that scene from Patch Adams where the girl goes swimming in a pool of spaghetti. I love molly.
I'm pretty sure his cum gave me swimmer's ear.
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
Randomize
