I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
just threw up in the bus full of other international students just outside of boulder, just keeping the aussie reputation alive
Registered for next semester classes drunk. Let's hope I didn't accidently sign up for history of dinosaurs again...
your dad made us margaritas and breakfast on the morning. I think it's safe to say he relives his glory days through us
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
Next test. Underwater blowjob. If you fail...out of water blow job
I just swallowed some ecstasy stuck in my nose from last night. Work should be interesting.
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
Just because your drunk doesn't mean you can stick your dick in the snow. Just a FYI
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
You’ll lick BBQ off my cock but no ketchup on a hotdog?
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
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