You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
still doesn't change the fact you were dunking your sock in the toilet.
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
i'll probably be on drugs forewarning
forewarning i'll probably have done those drugs with you
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
Is this the 6 foot tall blonde I screwed in the bar last weekend?
In the bar?! Very impressive! But keep guessing!
Can't keep a straight face around her after she asked me to "make fuck to her."
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
Peeing in taco bell cups is part of the fun of going to taco bell
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
There were 16 girls and 31 titties. That’s how the club was. Lance doesn’t get to decide ever again.
Randomize
