just got my goo swallowed for the first time. colors seem so much more vivid now, and more rainbows are outside
hahah your definitly as dumb as I think I thought you are. boom roasted.
i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
When we ran out of red solo cups we switched to Starbucks cups for beer pong... Who doesn't want to live in Seattle?
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
I HAVE MY OWN TITS FOR THAT AND I CAN GUARANTEE THAT THEYRE MORE GLORIOUS
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
I may have tried to encourage people to play a new game I invented last night. I called it Super Quarters. Like regular quarters, only using an AA medallion.
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
I'm so annoyed. We're about to buy groceries for the week and at this point I'm hoping to sustain myself on pure alcohol.
He told me I smelled like peanut butter, pepperoni, and pure unbrieldled passion.
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
Your sister just admitted to being a " much bigger bitch" than you. So you've got that going for you, which is nice.
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