Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
So drunk can't even tell it's my own house. WOaoOw.
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
The girls we hooked up with were hammered, pushing each other in a shopping cart into the sushi place and through the restaurant... One's a volunteer EMT. God help her patients.
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
Take advantage man but know that every anal bead u drop inside her will make her love u 2% more. It's science
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
Brandon just showed up at my place with a florida state cheerleader he met in vegas durin spring break. His life is a fucking movie
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
if I blackout nd am found tomorrow w butterfly hairclips on my nipples and my habd down my pants tell my family I am sorry
Knew i was going to puke. So i grabed a bowl out of the kitcken in the dark before bed...Ended up puking into a spaghetti strainer...
Just because you can't have him, doesn't mean you can have his brother.
What about the best friend?
Randomize
