Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
My vagina just recognized that song.
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
He's hinting that I'm starting to be kicked out of their blunt rides, I can feel it.
you called your neighbor "slutsauce" then passed out on the stairway. not even sure why, but props to you.
I'm studying for my midterm by watching porn with Spanish subtitles. Surprisingly the words are still really distracting..
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
He said we would have a beautiful daughter together. That way too much for a one night stand...
So do you want to be the old guy picking up a girl in a mini skirt who may be slightly buzzed before noon from college, or shall i walk over?
It was a great party. People were literally still doing shots and playing drunk Jenga at 6am...
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
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