Ha. Yes. I'm at a strip club. I'm the barack obama of strip clubs
That bus ride was like a tour of all the bushes I puked behind last night
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Cause i'm hanging over the toilet bowl and thinking about your ball in my mouth is not helping
Your expertise in crazy bitches is needed.
walk of shame this morning involved walking through the in-home daycare that she runs while it was full of kids. judgemental little shits. on a plus, got a juice box and a graham cracker for the walk home.
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
he asked me if i wanted to hook up & my answer was 'why not'. he came in thirty seconds and the condom broke. it's the love story of the century
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
did i tell you guys i finally 69’d for the first time last night? just thought the group chat should know.
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