i love rice pilaf. whoever invented that i would give them a hug.
your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
Everyone was high fiveing on their a walks of shame home. God im gonna miss college life
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
He tried to use a signal flare to light the bong
And?
He melted the stem
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
Listen to my proposal.... I feed you crackers while I fuck you ever so gently.
So his mom walked in the kitchen while I was sucking him off and just casually suggested that "I'd need a glass of water after that"
Some daaay... Bet your bottom dollar that some daaay you'll do that mollyyyy
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
The bar tender had his entire hand down your asscrack.
I forgot about that. I was in MULTIPLE dimensions.
I don't know what that means. Any of it. BUT I will be at your house at 10:20 and you better be ready to get high as balls.
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