Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
idk how it happened. she made a very smooth transition from crying to blowing me
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
You wrote me a letter and I cannot make out anything you wrote except the last sentence which says "tell the wolf ill meet him at sunset and that I'm sorrry"
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
I think he's having people over to watch him get way too drunk again
So high I started thinking my desktop picture of a cat was too erotic for the workplace.
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
He's super sweet. I feel like I'm dating Elmo. If Elmo had a 7 incher
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
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