new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
on the bus. saw a kid get off at a red light, puke on the sidewalk, and get back on.
I found her in the trunk, smoking a cigarette, saying every girl should know how to get out of their trunk
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just swallowed some ecstasy stuck in my nose from last night. Work should be interesting.
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
Random pof guy just messaged me initiating a Pokemon battle. Want to be a bridesmaid?
Babe, Have you see my pants?
Try Jay street in Brooklyn.. that's where I last remember seeing them.
I shall relish in being the most basic of bitches
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
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