I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
I haven't worn deodorant in like three days and have been laying around in my underwear listening to music and drinking. I think i've made my own Bonnaroo in my apartment.
Then all the boys were saying that they were amazed at how much i could smoke...i'm so proud of myself
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
the igloo is complete. bring your weed and the hat with the floppy ears
Way to high for badminton right now. This is gonna be a shitshow.
Vague recollection of me ripping your shirt off at the bar... I hope I asked first, otherwise that's real rude.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
I just took two shots of Burnerts out of a ladle. Get here now.
I almost wanna stick a tampon in and sneeze bent over to see if it actually shoots out
I was literally so lonely last night that I stopped watching a video on porn hub and just read the comments
Dennis picked up a 50 year old woman. Then he and Dan got in a fight and jumped out of the limo. No one knows what happened to them.
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