She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
He looked me straight in the eye when he was fingering me last night...it was very serial killer.
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
Need your help. He's locked himself in the bathroom with his bong and his childhood collection of Goosebumps books.
Wtf. I just got invited to a threeway bj session in the bathroom at boiler. Lmao
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
Chill out, I'm getting ready as fast as I can. I didn't even masturbate in the shower.
The only excuse this guy at the club had for trying to make out with me as soon as I met him was "I AM FROM MEXICOOO"
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
Apparently I'm some kind of sexual camel.
I just remembered something. We made out last night, people cheered.
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
Randomize
