My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
No, I'm a firm believer in "Swallow or it isn't love."
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
He's covered in dirt and enchiladas. We're going drinking now.
I can now tell my grandchildren Central Park has really great spots for quickies...
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
It seems that only way I've actually improved myself after 2 years of writing for the school newspaper is that I've mastered the art of descriptive words to improve my sexting skills
TACOBELL COOL RANCH TACOS MARCH 7TH. I think realistically that will be more like valentines day for us. Bc nothing says romance like tacobell.
1. Why did we have the team Chirstmas party in November 2. Why didn't anyone tell me the coaches were invited 3. Why did coach get the giant vibrator I brought
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
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