this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
see if i had a dick i'd definitely smack people in the face with it
he was already passed out before we got there, so i already knew i was going to like him
Doing "bucket stands" with buckets of margarita. Don't tell me it's not a good idea.
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
I'm thankful she wil die Alone. And I'm thankful I slept wiht her cousin. And brother.
I would like to apologize for my MANY attempts of trying to motor boat you.
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
Is there a law against that?
Nope not at all. Just morals. But fuck it, this is college, not real life.
the tv said "its small, its comfortable..." and i started laughing... safe to say he lost any dignity he had left...
Pants-less sunday? Also I'm high and independence day is making me cry
im coming over
I look like i have multiple stab wounds in my foot and there are footprints from the elevator to my room. What happened?
We just had an accidental Facebook titty pic scare.
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
Randomize
