On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
He got thrown out for leaning over the bar topless and pouring himself some beer while singing the james bond song
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
I'm just crazy horny about you
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
Update: tequila girl had her hand down groomsmen pants
oh i see... well this is a positive first step in you courting him for sex.
You like pics of my balls that much?
I am at the store looking at frames as we text...
You mentioned his name and i threw up a little.
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
Randomize
