i think my tv is drunk
then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
after eating me out, he asked for something to drink. i gave him a glass of water and he said he needed something stronger.
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
Jim came in did 3 body shots of her she said "I like your tongue" and they left. I swear to god its deja vu he's done it before
This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
It was an all night sausage fest and I was the lady of honor.
I'm going to need a penis the size of a bat
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
Randomize
