u on campus? she just peed the bed i need to go
you're like the ceasar milan of boners... you understand them on a different level.
So I just went to student health services and on my way in there was a girl outside on her phone saying "I just dont want you to be angry" and on my way out she was saying "I have the side effects sheet right here" Someone started the semester off classy
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
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No sex in the champagne room. The champagne room being my life
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
I fell into his fridge. I want to leave.
i think you lost all your innocence when you were caught straddling a fence in your thong & cowboy boots by the 40 year old apartment manager
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
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Also, making a white Russian with butterscotch schnapps instead of vodka is probably the best decision I've made in my entire college career.
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
Don't be upset because I bitch slapped you with intelligence
you would have been so proud of how classy i just looked at the pharmacy with my $10 off plan b coupon. so resourceful.
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
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