I am at the point in my high where i now know/understand chinese.
Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
i barely touched his dick and all of a sudden he yells, "BONER!"
next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
through my window right now you can see the hot chick next door is standing BUTT ASS NAKED eating peanut butter off a knife.
ill be there in 5.
Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
I just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse, and now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out.
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
He gave me a trycicle he stole from a kid as an "offering" to have sex. I couldnt say no when he went through all that.
Walk of shame. Stopped at an estate sale on the way back to the house. Old lady pulled a condom wrapper of the back of my hoodie. beat that
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
You know you started drinking too early in the day when you have a hangover at midnight
thats called having FUN
Randomize
