How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
They need a stunt cock, be about 20 more minutes.
Just a heads up: The party is Fourth of July themed. Spread the word
dude its may
Work with me here, man.
Worst case scenario: I have VD and will die. That's the worst that could happen. As long as I'm around long enough to see the winner of bachelor pad, I'm cool
Basically I learned last night that if you're too polite people will think it's okay to play with your nipples when really its not even a little okay
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
Strip mythology. Everyone wins. Most of all me.
I'm going to give you the best blowjob of your life. And yes you can use my mom's printer.
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
Randomize
