Consumer Beware: Redhead has herpes.
my little brother got his license today.. too early to ask him to DD?
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
I woke up locked in the bar...this has redefined partying.
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
Let's just say he sent me a picture of his dick and I was more impressed with the collection of video games he had in the background...
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
I based a lot of our friendship on the fact that I thought you were crying from feeling so sad for me when I got crabs. I'm not sure if we can ever be as close now.
"I made out with someone too, but then he tried to fuck and I played dead"
currently working on a look that screams, "I'm dead inside, but still trying to enjoy the ride"
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
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