Did you know they have alcohol AND weed delivery in Canada??? I'm not EVER coming home
Judging by what's in the bathroom right now, I see you graced us with your presence last night.
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
All I want is for every tall lanky young guy who is reading in a Starbucks to go balls deep in me. That's all.
Night just started and I've already seen a woman headbutt a brick wall. Unintentionally. Epic to say the least
I woke up naked on his boat with a cowboy hat on with a boat cover over me... Thank you tequila!
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
Last night I somehow got INCREDIBLY wasted & thought it was a good idea to make a group chat with all the guys I'm hooking up with and just say "bye." soo I'm hiding out till next week.
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
She's Jesus crazy. And one if not more other forms of crazy. She's 2.5+ crazy.
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
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