her fupa was seducing me. this is the last time i'm doing shrooms.
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
She told me I was only the second guy she slept with. I told her she was only my second Megan.
hot buttered vodka was not a success. on any level.
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
i was really hopeful that i could make it to the end of the semester without doing something stupid enough to destroy our relationship but i guess i was wrong..........thanks vodka
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
If a marine in My bed is not considered a valid excuse for missing class then I don't want to live in America anymore
He's being awfully beer snobby for a guy who ordered salad
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Randomize
