On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
i dont think there is any level of not caring that i havent covered in the last month
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
seeing two hook-ups in tagged in the same picture will send chills down anyone's spine.
Is it rude if I ask the current tenets of our future apartment if I can come and blackout for a night? I want stupendously drunk me to get a feel for the place so he's comfortable when we move in.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
I can tell right now that knowing you will either be really fun or ruin my life
I have never thoroughly inspected the geometry of my nipples until now. How do I fix this?
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
I just want a relatively mentally stable guy with tattoos and facial hair that loves Captain America as much as I do and will fuck me the way I deserve to be fucked, is that too much to ask for?
Sorry for trying to wake you up by slapping your ass with a fruit 2 go.
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
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