why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
She needs to learn what's it like to have sex with someone and regret it the next day.
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
And now we have yet another reason to never travel to Detroit
All I've accomplished this quarter is making Uno an acceptable drinking game.
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
Dude between pissing everywhere and all of those frogs, that bathroom got wrecked.
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
if i cared i wouldnt have woken you up by pouring a bottle of soy sauce on you.
is that what this stuff is?
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
I found myself looking up beard accounts while masturbating, I guess that's what it's come to.
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
Randomize
