so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
Just whacked off in the middle of writing a paper, gave me great ideas. Note, should do this more often.
looking at that huge scar on my leg from when i got drunk at 9 AM and walked into a grill. so excited for football season to start again!
when i first looked at you, you weren't wearing any pants. but then i realized you had them around your neck as a cape.
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
I'm taking tokes in the bath tub, come if you want, I'm naked and you have to bring chicken nuggets or else you can't come in
Definitely thought about throwing up in the cat box since it's not as far to the bathroom..
While I'm here in reality dreaming of catching chili cheese fries with my mouth out of t shirt guns like Jesus is real
You sluts I'm so proud of you. You're both wearing underwear.
she's my really slutty friend i bring around so i can act slutty and not feel as bad about it
I'm getting drunk off Malibu and watching Drag Race and it's only 2 in the afternoon. I'm the poster child for sad gay men.
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
Randomize
