yeah he didnt know till after their one year. You have no idea how bad i wanna say "dude i sucked on those boobs before you"
Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
how many thumbs am i supposed to have at one time
you found the shrooms didnt you
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
I'm 4,715,723% sure I don't give a fuck.
The last thing I need is a possessed urethra.
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
We told the cop that we were playing soccer, in flip flops, and 2:30 in the morning. It was raining and i had board shorts on. He bought it, lets go get drunk
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
Randomize
