i really wish facebook had an app for when you are looking at a chick's photo album, you could just skip to the ones where she and/or her friends are dressed like skanks
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
why weren't you at the audition last night?
booty call before role call
I didn't just get this from the chlamydia fairy.. You should probably get tested.
Taking my infected piercing out in the parking lot of the food card place. This is one of those life defining moments that makes me sad.
Just made a PowerPoint called "Reasons Why You Should Fuck Me" at his request. The sad thing is we've had sex before...
it's almost 8pm and i'm still hungover. at what point do i alert someone?
His grandma held his dogs so they wouldn't follow me out the door. It was like a whole new level added to my walk of shame.
We were talking when all of a sudden she reach and started squeezing my dick and goes "nice." and then just kept the conversation going like nothing happened.
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
within five minutes of being here her dog found my vibrator in my bedroom and was carrying it around all proud! and her mom is here. so embarrassing :(
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
Idk but when you think about it the last time I did bottomless mimosas I ended up getting my nipples pierced so it might be fair
Randomize