I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
Even the bartender felt bad for me
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
I succsesfully kept my nipples in my dress all night. Even when I got in a fight. I was made for the bar.
I just remember being in the bathroom alone cussing out the bunny
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
Is it bad juju to glue mini budda to the bottom of a shot glass
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
I almost died in that meeting. Nearly dried up and blew away in the pure powder form of boredom
I know that feel bro
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
I like that you use a Disney movie to describe the starting of our BDSM relationship, lmao
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
Well, why would you bring gelado into a strip club?
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
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