I heard we made out
i wish we had vans that drove around at night but insteand of ice cream and jolly tunes its taco bell and the macarena
According to Glamour magazine, experiencing sexual pleasure helps you live longer. I am dying an early death.
Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
I'm going to try and loofah my hangover away.
Update: It didn't work
I only blacked out one night of three if that isn't fucking personal growth idk what is
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
Wanted to let you know I hooked up with your brother.
i thought he was gay wtf
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
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