Is it a bad sign when i blow my nose && can smell vodka?
I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
Everytime I cough, my tampon falls out a little bit. Does this mean I'm loose?
woke up to the trail of sugar cubes leading to my bed........was i that uncooperative last night
I was cut off by 8, I need to rethink this breakup therapy strategy
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
The fun I thought I would be having now when I was six is vastly different from what I am currently doing. Hurraaay sex and vicodin.
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
We made out in front of everyone INCLUDING his girlfriend. And no one saw. THAT DRUNK!
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Randomize
