**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
And if you ever tell anyone that I have emotions ill kill you
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
Im quite confident that my struggle with sobriety ended last night sometime after dinner
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
This morning we had sex while he was wearing a full length fur jacket and sunglasses... I wasn't even phased
Randomize
