my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
I just fell for a fake 50 dollar bill in a urinal. Fuck pittsburgh
Remember when the only STD we had to worry about were hickies? Those were the days
I need to remember that good judgment goes out the window after the 7th shot and the 3rd Lady GaGa song.
he puked in my glove box, looked up at me and said "There's not much to say"
I've fallen from my one moral pedestal
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
So I just went to clothing optional bar
Just threw up in the trash can at my desk. I guess "beating the hangover" eventually leads to this.
Egg rolls and cum. Not my worst snack.
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
Randomize
