Text. Mid BJ. 8 points.
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
I feel like this is going to result in some sort of tearing in my vagina.
Thats a chance were just gonna have to take
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
Omg no. We ate a raw pumpkin last nighr. We dipped it in BBQ sauce.
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
Which one of you fucks put a bounty out on my brother's virginity?
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
just saw a girl run into an automatic sliding door, back up and try again
I miss you and I miss your weed. Come home.
RICK FUCKING MORANIS!!!!!
Randomize
