the only thing i have to deal with now is the fact that i'm still wearing spandex shorts from last night
I think my fart just growled at me.
Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
I had to stop mid sex to take my turn on words with friends so he wouldn't get suspicious. Hookup of the night helped me. We won.
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
YET AGAIN, my financial planning for 2013 consists MOSTLY of eating chipotle as "brain food" and drinking Heavily before the Jeopardy contestant test.
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
My goal is to have my roommate find me sprawled out in the middle of my floor naked and passed out. Maybe with some Alfredo chicken hanging out of my mouth. I don't know, we'll see where this goes.
Everyone is a disappointment when you lose your virginity to nine inches
Would you by any chance know if there is a proper protocol for traveling with one's vibrator? I wouldn't want the TSA to rip open my suitcase in front of my boss.
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