i have a strong urge to join the asians in the park doing tai chi. I think im still high .
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
Dude, I think someone on your skype account may have seen me beat off. I used your computer and didnt realize you were still signed in. Please tell me no one was on...
If by "in control" you mean him showing-up to work wasted, calling a customer a "fuckstick," and getting fired on the spot? Then yes, he is.
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
Can I just fuck someone without it basically becoming an arranged marriage
Let's take a shot for every time we've said "I don't want to get that drunk tonight"
who knew being a fake dominatrix could be so fun?
Randomize
