Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
I think I slept in the cheesecake last night. Either that or I had a wet dream. Whatever happened I need to wash my pants.
All I know is she had me sitting on the kitchen floor with her little Pomeranian eating potato chips And shredded cheese. I don't even know dude. I don't even know.
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
I just did the walk of shame..with a blanket and a cup that says i will out drink all you bitches. This was not how i pictured 25.
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
A little sexual choking never killed anyone. And if it did, they died happy.
is buying liquor on my lunch break too aggressive?
I apparently tried to wax off my nipples.This explains the pain
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
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