In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
I made myself breakfast and everything and then whoever's house it actually was came downstairs very upset.
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
I just need to actually convince myself that drunkenly having sex won't help me forget the last time I drunkenly had sex, it only makes the situation worse.
He kept moaning America instead of Erica while fucking me.
I wonder what it's like for my roommate to live bicuriously thro my sex life
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
Uhmm, it's called hentai.
I DON'T CARE WHAT IT'S CALLED I DON'T WANT TO SEE IT ON MY WORK COMPUTER
So high, just applauded for a magic trick on Hulu.
I woke up naked with a Jason mask on and a fat lip. What happened last night?
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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