You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
Lady next to me is getting american flags airburshed on her nails. god bless the ghetto.
Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
Apparently I spent my 300 dollar tax return by ordering ramen on amazon last night. Please tell me this will somehow pay off in the long run.
Our funnel is on top of our neighbors roof.
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
I should know better than to trust a man I've seen cry on multiple occasions to give me accurate sports information.
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
we need to make pact to not cut each other's hair on coke and whiskey nights.
While I agree, I dont think thats realistically possible
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
I just met him at a place called the meat farm, Jesus be a shield.
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
im on a boat
How did you get this number?
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Randomize
