Wooohooo! I'm sitting in the car like a creep watching people walk in and out of Blush. Lots of happy people.
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
I was so scared, I actually heard my grandmother's voice in my head saying if I get pregnant, then my vagina will fall off. And then I'm going to die.
You threw up on yourself, then proceeded to tell us "to not make a mess in your car"
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
I dont know. Theres no way you can be ready for the sex hurricane that will consume you.
We'll wreck the fuck out of my furniture. How often does one really get the chance to fuck through a table with no negative consequences?
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
Already at the river; already getting fucked up. And yes that semicolon is legit because those are congruent statemests
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
You're wasting your dick. It needs to be bestowed upon the masses.
I may or may not have just had sex in the bed of a pick-up at a drive-in movie theater.
Randomize
