I'm pounding a vodka drink as we speak to make her interesting
Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
WORST DINGLEBERRY EVER
I'm playing the Jersey Shore drinking game by myself at my mom's house. Things like this are not okay after college.
Abby. I can text perfectly. I pledge allegiance to the flag of the united states of america. and to the republic, for which we stand, one nation under god indivisible and with liberty and justice for all god bless america
Your excessive judging is making this uncomfortable
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
I'm at an awkward stage of not being able to tell if I wanna keep having fun or if I need to die in bed
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
Well he offered to lick my asshole so...I'm not really worried about his interest level.
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
You're my best friend, so I'm kinda scared to say this, but.....I kinda feel odd when I show up with you at your family events and I have banged or blown at least 3 people in the room
Randomize
