I accidentally had phone sex last night
apparently i traded the tiffany necklace my mom bought me for 2 shots and next in line for beer pong at the frat.
im dirt poor will suck dick for halloween costume
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
I dont know if you relize this but ive been high ly medicated in my room for a whil now. GOing out into the real world would make me li ke tom ha nks. im not ready to be tom hanks..
I remember key bumps, porn and a mom in my bed. Sums up my day.
that is an amazing summary hahaha
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
Never go drinking with anime club. End of story.
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
I've finally become one of those chicks with a taco in her purse.
Randomize
