Ed hardy makes air fresheners now. Now even the air can be a douchebag.
I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
Indeed. The kind of morning where puking in someone's shoes is not frowned upon
High moment. Almost just passed the blunt to the dog.
Handcuffs are allowed in carry on luggage :) just checked
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
This morning I found four opened yet full beers on my desk and my towel rack pulled off the wall and in bed with me
You pretty much lost your mind. Your ego has gotten ten time the size of your balls.
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
if he becomes president of the united states, I will tell EVERYONE that i took his virginity.
Why is there bacon in the couch?
ALL I WANT IN MY MOUTH IS A GLORIOUS COCK SMOTHERED IN CHOCOLATE. DICK AND CHOCOLATE; IS IT TOO MUCH FOR A GIRL TO ASK FOR?!
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