my phone needs a breathalizer
yes, the chronicles of narnia is exactly what happens when you do crack inside of a wardrobe.
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
hey. so did i get tied up by a jumprope last night?
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
Pre-drinking/conditioning my liver for this impending hurricane party associated with cat. 2 hurricane Irene. Be ready to roll in a weather channel minute.
I still can't believe you had sex with someone who willingly went by Peaches.
I think I'm interested in anyone that recognizes I actually have a pulse
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
I just wish the first erections of my life didn't take place at a dentists office but hey whatever I turned out alright
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
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