its 9am and we're in an escalade. I have no shoes and my dress is on backwards. I feel like we're the morning after a rap video
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
Food lion is just a portal. Cheetos are the goal. Its like not banging a super hot chick cause she is french. She still has the same parts just from a different box.
Now I am going to fly my toy helicopter in the dark.
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
There's a chance I told a cop that I was ready for him to strip I may have even taken some ones out of my purse and stuck them in his holster
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
I totally have a huge crush on him though which is fucking up my "classy she-demon with limited feelings" vibe
Don't go to jail over some guy named Bunky
i feel like every weekend turns into a giant blur of i dont want to know...
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
I got locked into my place today. You might be wondering if that was a typo... It's not.
I have post one night stand depression
Randomize
