Every good night starts with white castle burgers and shots in the parking lot.
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
those are the first brownies ive had since i was 13 that didnt have weed in them.
I even resorted to pole dancing with the street sign. I have an extra $20 now because I think people were paying me to leave.
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
Was the mom I hooked up with decently attractive I feel like her two friends were hotter
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
you were trying to control your nosebleed while having someone hold your four loko while you drank it through a straw. all at the same time. that is commitment.
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
1. Why did we have the team Chirstmas party in November 2. Why didn't anyone tell me the coaches were invited 3. Why did coach get the giant vibrator I brought
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
I have a vagina. So i automatically win.
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
How was it?
Incredible. Everyone in the world should be having the kind of sex I've been having.
He should write a pamphlet or something...
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