I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
I puked off the balcony.
Not horrible
Into the hottub. There were six people in it. I had eaten all their pizza.
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
The secrurity code on my debit card is 420, can not lose this card.
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
Wake up. Pour coffee. Open blinds. Guy is skipping class and jacking off furiously to Asian porn. Close blinds. Finish coffee. So this must be what med school is like.
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
come over. We can flirt with the criteria for substance abuse and talk about our daddy issues
The good thing about country bars is that the men generally look like men. The bad thing is the country music.
It’s a prereq for med school, so I hope the professor likes blow jobs
Randomize
