at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
Ive created a fbook group called "threesome" and invited two girls. Im not going to say a word and just see what happens.
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
Well be careful man. Be careful. Wear shoes in the house. Safety. Safety first, then teamwork.
I've hit an all time low I just sent a boob pict to fat Randall the one I gave a partial bj to a year a a half ago
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
The fun I thought I would be having now when I was six is vastly different from what I am currently doing. Hurraaay sex and vicodin.
I asked him for something to clean up with after sex and he handed me a sham wow. A SHAM WOW
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 9am is sexy... Then yeah, I'm your girl.
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
I accidentally sent my mom a nude picture of my ass... she replied with how did you get that angle ?
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
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