Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
Princeton has an emergency contraception worldwide website. It is in moments like these that I love my university
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
he peed everywhere. it's like having a puppy.
he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
He stole her cigarettes and walked 15 miles just so he wouldn't have to wake up next to her. God I love being a lesbian.
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
i chugged some hot sauce before i gave him head. i think a burning penis is a great way to say fuck you
You're not required to sleep with every guy that spends $10 on you.
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
We stayed up until 4:20 AM. The next thing I remember was waking up at 4 PM, like my internal alarm clock knew.
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
You came in, yelled 'i am from the future' then puked all over the floor
Randomize
