you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
and then he said that the only reasonable explanation as to why I got swine flu was because all I ever do is join the bandwagon
i have a picture in my phone of you with a bottle of tequila in your back pocket. i believe you were saying "pocket of champions" or something along those lines
You just kept holding your breath for a really long time and calling it lung excersizes.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
They were taking shots out of the caps of perfume bottles. This is too much for me.
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
You put me in such a good mood with that road head, I bought everyone at Hooters donuts.
My roomate had an hour long melt down about her life choices not realizing I was in the middle of having sex... So yea it went pretty horribly.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
YOU LICKED MY MAKEUP OFF.
I just want to bone him one last time before he moves across the country with his new (average looking) girl friend.
how am i in montreal? thats like a 3 hour train ride. i remember nothing.
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
got laid for being an eagle scout again. 4 more and ill have all my merit badges.
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