just saw Chris Hanson on the street. looked immediately around for video cameras. why is that my immediate reaction?
ok so the lil girl sitting behind u was picking the hairs off ur sisters back and putting them in her mouth
I enjoy that i have a whole shelf of clothes that I've accumulated from random sex. You know the ones you get to make the morning after look less awkward like similar to an athletes trophy shelf
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
He told me to fuck off at some point in the night. I think it was right before he jumped out of a moving car trying to get to another bar and made Abby cry.
I can't wait for the day Google doesn't remind me that I got arrested for having 3 shots called 'frog cum' lined up in front of me.
Note to self: don't practice nerdy white girl dance choreography in the company bathrooms no matter how nice the huge mirrors and lighting are.
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
dude, there is no doorman in your lobby and the front door is locked
oh yeah, sorry he's up here at the party. coming now
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
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