my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
why the FUCK would i wear makeup on my vagina!?
Since my computer broke, i've been masterbating to girls gone wild. I feel like i'm in the 90's.
this is the fifth day in a row i've woken up after 3 pm, hungover. I might die when snowmageddon is finally over and we have to go back to class. my liver wont know how to take it.
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
i just was bootyclappin in front of homeless men in a back alley
He's the kind of drunk guy that would pee in your mouth while you give him head.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
its amazing there are so many photos of me and him separately, since most of that party time was spent sneaking away to fuck upstairs...
She had a tattoo on her pelvis that said "it's cock-o-clock" an had clocks and hot dogs exploding away from it. I'd like to tell you it was deal breaker buuuuuuut.......
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
The part where he comes over and ignores you isn't what makes me mad about that story... It's the fact that he ate your tacos, AND THEN proceeded to ignore you. That's cold hearted.
My new superpower is making fuckboys disappear!
Bending dicks and egos since 2002
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
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